Could Have Been

Exactly one year ago, I said yes to the girl whom I waited for, for three years.

Ours is a funny story. It's like one of those romantic comedies I've always hated to watch. It started way back 2008. We were both freshmen taking the same course from the same school. As always, first week of school was full of awkwardness. It was not love at first sight, though I knew that I like her the first time I laid my eyes on her. She was quiet, and she was always with her group of friends. I was in a different group and we never really converse at first. I like her, I know I do, though I never showed interest because I knew (heard rather) that was in a relationship. Besides, she was out of my league. I know she's my type but I don't know if I were hers. So I restrained myself and kept the feelings hidden.

Then we became closer, like friends. We talk more often, we text every now and then, but nothing more than that. I knew my boundaries. It came to a point that I just can't bear it. I would always tease her, so she would stay away from me. I would always criticize her baby fats, her clothes, everything. I did everything just so she would think twice before talking to me. I pushed her away. By that time GM or messages are in, and she would always send GM's that sounded like she's heart broken and her crush is not interested, the likes. I, on the other hand is in pain as well. I know I could have been there, and how I wish I was her crush. God knows how much I wanted that. In return I send my own GM's answering hers but I make it look like it's not for her. I was happy doing that, somehow it made me feel I'm talking to her about what I feel. I started calling her 'princess'.

Like I always do when I'm in love, I drown myself in poetry. I write whenever possible, whenever a verse comes up. It was all dedicated to my Princess. I don't know how many I've made during that time, bit as always I never let anyone read it. I keep it to myself. And I never even bothered giving it to her, the horror is just beyond imaginable.

Right then it hit me, I want her, I like her, hell no, I love her. She has everything I wanted. She's smart, not the bookish kind of smart. Smart in a way that she can keep a up a good conversation make it interesting. She's articulate. I think she can even write better than me. She can sing, above anything else, she can carry a tune. I would always imagine lying on her lap listening as she lulls me to sleep. She is just beautiful, too beautiful for the likes of me.

But just after our first semester, she stopped schooling. She had problems even before and maybe that was one of the reasons she stopped. We still exchange text messages but not as much as before, just casual hi and hello. But deep inside, I still do love her. Absence really do make the heart grow fonder.

The three years had past. Out of nowhere she texted me saying she want's to see me. We did see each other. I still had feelings for her though it has lessened. I still can say a part of me still loves her, and a part of me still wants her back. After we saw each other, we texted more often. She was asking me out and all. i was confused as to why the sudden interest. She then dropped the bomb. She told me she doesn't know either, it her words "  maybe God is playing a trick ", right there and then I know he really is. She kept on asking me out and she want's us to be together. I was really hesitant at first, I was hurt before and as much as possible I try to be careful. But this is different she was the girl I love and still love for more than three years. I have waited for this, I even prayed hard for this and know it's knocking in my door. Who am I to say no? Just after three days, we were already a couple.

Our relationship was like any other. We fight and make up. She was my first real kiss.

Somewhere along the way, I got scared. Everything was just too good, and being emotionally unstable, I don't think I can handle losing her. I started investing less, to the point that she is loving me more. We broke up after three months. I was the one who asked for it. I was just scared and all. After sometime we got back together, but now for long. We started having personal problems. She with her family and me with my studies. I was supposed to graduate last March but I didn't. At that time, I haven't told my Mom about it. I was planning to, but before I did I applied for a jib just in case she got mad and decided to stop supporting me.

She has her own problems and I have mine too. Our relationship was on the rocks. It was too demanding for me. I was thinking ahead. What if my I stopped studying and started working? I would have less time for her. More than that, I think we need our own space to fix things. Again I ended the relationship, and it was not a good way.

I've moved on, and I know she did too. I really don't know why I'm telling this story, nor why I decided to tell it on our supposed to be anniversary.

Wherever you are, or if you are reading this. I just want to say that I loved you very much. I will always will.


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