If I Die Young

Who would have thought forever could be severed by

the sharp knife of a short life, oh well?I've had just enough time

There are times that death seems like a good idea. With all the things going around within me and around me, it feels like death is a sweet escape. The way I see it, death is my salvation. I am eaten by my own thoughts, and I am feeding them with my wild imaginings. Don't get me wrong, I love life. I love how I am able to do things. I love a lot of things, though sometimes they don't love me back. But its fucking hard doing it. Its hard surviving life and its even harder to try and do it with so much happiness. They say life is God's gift, but you know what I think, life is God's ultimate trial and death is our greatest reward.

And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

The hardest part is figuring out who is worth spending life with. Is it really that hard to find genuine people nowadays? I guess. There are those who will just drain the life out of you then leave you behind eventually. There are those who can only give words but will not justify it with actions. There are those who make false promises. There are those, whose sole purpose is to criticize every muscle you will move. There are those who will hurt you. There are those who wouldn't give a fuck at all. I've seen it all, been with them all. In hindsight, they make life even more colorful, though I'd rather have mine in black and white. I'd rather have one person who will actually be there for me no matter what that being surrounded by people who will only make me feel alone.

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

I'd like to say I wouldn't give up on life. That I still see something worth fighting for. But everyday I am losing hope, everyday a die a little. Everyday is a battle to be happy, to live and not just exist and we all know that every battle will leave us wounded. I am not asking for the meaning of life, I just want something to make my life meaningful. I think its stupid that we are so afraid of dying, I am. Then I thought, we are all born to die, but its the journey, not the destination. 

Troubled Letters||Of Friendships

My name is irrelevant, you wouldn't know who I am. Even if I give you my name, I don't think that's gonna help with what I am feeling right now.

But for formality's sake, call me Ran, 18 and lonely.

I don't know why. I was looking for some words of encouragement to lift up my sullen spirit when I found your blog. Next thing I knew, I am reading your post, poems, stories and rants. Though some of them sounds too suicidal, and did little to provide the encouragement I was looking for, I kind of liked it. I don't know if you will even post my email here, nor would you care to answer it. I really don't care. I just want to get it all out, hoping that it would make a difference. 


I have a lot of friends Gene, and I would like to think that I am likable. I have friends from all walks of life. Yet, with all their numbers, I still feel so alone. 

There those who promised to be there, always. That we would be at my side whenever I need. Friends who are fun to be with. Yet, days, weeks and months passes by without a single hi or hello. The irony of it all is that we are surrounded by these so called social networking sites. It makes me question whether they are really 'social'. 

I'm a good friend Gene, I am always one text away. Sure, there are circumstances that I might decline, or I can't. But most of the time, I am there. There are those who will say they miss me, that we should hang out again sometimes. But they wont even contact me!

There are those whose only fun when you treat them, and will not even acknowledge your existence when there's no money to spend. 

I badly need some company. But I don't want to be a bother. I want them to be with me because they want to, not because they pity me. I want them to be with me because they want to, not because they have to. 

I love my friends Gene, so much. I consider them family. But sad to say, I can't feel them loving me back. I just don't feel like they are willing to give as much as I can. And its sad.

That's all of it I guess. I don't wanna bother you too much, but thanks regardless if you answer me or not. I hope you won't experience the same thing Gene, because it really is lonely.

Ran.

-----

Hi Ran!

I don't know what you had for lunch that made you email me, but thank you for doing it. I don't know if I am the right person to ask for an advice since I am not really emotionally, mentally and psychologically stable myself, but i'll try.

I guess it's normal that you feel that way. I have experienced (I still do actually) that as well. I have lost a lot of friends and I regret it every time I do. 

The thing about me is that I enjoy company as much as I enjoy being alone. But in all honesty, nothing feels better than having someone to talk to. 

From what I read it, I think you need to reach out more. I know that you wouldn't want to be a bother, I mean who wants to be? But if they really consider you as a friend, they wouldn't even think of it that much. Whether they want to or they feel that they have to, what matters is that they were there. And please, don't question their motives with why they like to be with you. I've been there and trust me, it will consume you. Of course, be mindful of leechers and users as they are everywhere, and they are actually good at what they do. I'm sure you can spot them if you would be very vigilant. 

Last thing, learn to live on  your own. I mean, don't depend on people too much, especially when it comes to your happiness. It might seem harsh, but no friend would be willing enough to sacrifice their own happiness for yours. No one can be that selfless. Sure, there may be a few, but as much as possible be independent enough. 

I hope I was able to help you Ran. I have summoned all the wisdom I could to come up with a reply. My diagnosis and prescriptions are not backed up by any scientific study, just my 21 years of existence. 

Have a good day Ran, and remember, it will get better. It always do.

Mind Fucked

There's this TV series that keeps on surprising me to the point that I am being mind fucked every now and then. An amazing plot, an amazing story plus amazing acting, ugh!

Midnight Murders || The Black Dahlia

January 15, 1947

It was one normal morning when a woman was walking with her child along Leimert Park, when she saw something that resembles a body. Coming closer to what she thought was a thrown mannequin, turned out to be a body of woman.

The body was severely mutilated, drained of blood, cut in half. The woman's face had been slash towards her ear, giving her a creepy Glasgow smile. Multiple cuts had been found on her thighs and breast, her very flesh, brutally removed. The body has been washed and cleaned, arms positioned at a right angle, legs spread wide. 

The woman's name was Elizabeth Short, victim of the infamous Black Dahlia Murder.

The murder garnered a lot of publicity, giving the police a hard time finding out the true killer. Due to its popularity, over 50 people confessed to the murder, but none has been proven guilty. Since then, the famous murder has been the inspiration of books and movies. 

The Black Dahlia Murder is one of the most highly publicized murder in American history. Up until know, Elizabeth's murderer haven't been found.

*Pictures had been taken from various sources. I do not own, nor do I claim any of it.

I Bet Even Thor Wouldn't Like It

Today is Tuesday, and for some I reason I don't know, I went out for breakfast. I went to Jollibee thinking of ordering my favorite breakfast meal Longsilog, Pineapple Juice and a cup of coffee, but upon entering I saw their latest offering: Cheesy Bacon Mushroom Champ. Being a fan of Jolibee, I decided to try it out.

I was very excited for the burger, why not? All the good things in life are 'bunned' in to one: cheese, bacon and burger! Plus I am a huge fan of Jollibee that is why I know their latest offering will not disappoint. I ordered the CBM (its code name, I supposed) with a regular fries (trying to watch my slender figure mehehe) pineapple juice (no soft drinks for a long time now) and of course a cup of coffee. It was supposed to come with a Thor's hammer flashdrive but I will add P95, I declined since I have an Iron Man flash drive already.

The burger was still to be prepared so I sat down and munched my fries until the main dish is served. Just a few minutes, my Cheesy Bacon Mushroom Champ arrived. Without hesitation, and without manners and etiquette, I opened the box, grabbed the humongous burger and took my first bite. Aaaaand it was fine. It's not what I expected but I thought it was just my taste buds adjusting since I just woke up. So I took my second bite. Put it down again and sip my coffee.

I was disappointed. The cheese is no cheese at all, the bacon was fine, the burger patty which I so much love is somewhat tasteless. The whole burger is consumed by the cheese, that I can't even taste anything but that freaking cheese, and it wasn't the cheese I know! Heck I love cheese! But I hated the cheese that's in the burger!

It was rather expensive, and I am famished as well, so as much as I am disappointed, I finished my burger.  Maybe I expected a lot that is why I was so disappointed. Was it too cheesy? I guess, but then again for someone who loves cheese, there's no food that's too cheesy. I don't know, maybe it's just how they prepared it here on our city's branch. I should have ordered my usual.  Bummer!

He Never Stopped Believing, So Will I

I'm a huge fan of Glee

I was inspired the first time I watched the show. It seemed like I can relate to each of the characters. Since I was still studying then, I even thought of having a Glee-like contest for our school. Damn, I even remember how I got chills listening to "Don't Stop Believing". Though after Season 3, I never got to follow it again. 

I'm still a fan nevertheless. I still watched their performances via YouTube. Read episode reviews and stuff. The inner Gleek in me never left.

When the news broke out that one of its lead cast, Corey Monteith who Plays Finn Hudson died, I was shocked, I was sad. When I found out the cause of his death, it made me even sadder. It could have prevented, hell, he was around so many people and no one knew. Maybe they knew but they just didn't care. I really don't know, I don't think I am in any position to judge. The bottomline is, he died. What made it worst was he was about to get married to his Glee co-star and real/reel life girlfriend Lea Michele. I just can't imagine the grief. 

The latest episode of Glee was a tribute to Finn Hudson, and oh boy was it tear jerking or what! I was tearing up, crying even when they started singing. Especially when Rachel sang "Make You Feel My Love", it was such a heartbreaker, damn. I think its expected since he really died, not some unexpected turn of events written died, he died for real. I was just done watching all the performance, it maybe the best episode yet. To Cory, may you rest in peace. You never stopped believing, so will I. 

Ultimate tear jerker by Rachel Berry 

Faith In Humanity A Little Bit Shaken

In my opinion, I think being a parent, a father, will be one of the hardest yet most fulfilling job there is. Just the idea of taking care of another life is just too good for words. That is why news about fathers mistreating their children affected me so much this past few days. Mind you they are not just spanking, this is a different level of mistreating, in fact, I just think its beyond human.

There was this father who injected his blood with HIV to his 11 month old son. News said that the father was did not want to have the child nor pay for child support as the mother and him are not married. In his desperation, he injected his blond with HIV hoping the baby will die from it. He was caught, arrested and was sentenced for life imprisonment. The baby however became HIV positive at the age of 5. Doctor expected him to die sooner but because of the amount of med he was taking, 23 pills plus some other. He miraculously won the battle against HIV and is now 22 years old. Whats even more surprising is that he, a devout Christian, forgave what his father did.

On the other side of the globe, there was a father who slammed his child repeatedly by the sidewalk, in front of the police station!  The shocking and brutal act was caught on the station's CCTV, and was witnessed by a lot of people. They thought that the father was just trying to carry the 3 year old child, but was caught unaware of what the father will do next. Holding the child from its young legs, the father then slammed the poor child on the concrete sidewalk, hitting the head first. Not once. The footage was just beyond human. I still cringed whenever the footage is played, or just remembering it. 

The father was confined in a hospitals psychiatric ward, while the poor child, although rushed immediately to the hospital was announced dead after 2 days.

I dont know want went into the heads of those two fathers, but I doubt it included some sense in it. I just with something likfe those will not happen again. For I, I will never ever hurt my children, much more be the cause of their own death. 

Here are the links:

http://kickerdaily.com/man-injected-hiv-tainted-blood-in-his-own-baby/

http://kickerdaily.com/3-year-old-girl-dies-after-father-slams-her-into-concrete/

When Life Gives You Lemon, Ask For an Orange Instead

Time goes by so fast, suddenly its October!

I remember this time last year, I was cramming and trying to finish my requirements. I miss being a student! 

Anyway, how are you doing folks? I guess this blog has been neglected. Truth of the matter is I am not really doing anything important. I have no job to go to and not much social life to be busy with. It's just that I don't know if my thoughts are still worth blogging. I dont know if people will care. Nevertheless, I'm still trying to muster enough sense to come up with a blog post every now and then, I guess this is one of them.

Starting anew 

I am planning to go and stay in Cebu for good. I will try my luck there and see if life will be a bit better. Truth be told, nothing bad has been happening lately, nothing good as well, so its a bit boring. Sure I go out sometime with friends and all, but once I get home I am back to my usual sulking self. I am not the type to ask someone to go out no matter how close we are. I just dont expect them to give me part of their time. I dont know if I'm being uber dramatic or what, but I always expect people to put me last. So as much as I want to go out and have a cup of coffee with a friend, I dare not ask. So maybe things will change in Cebu. 

Part of me is hoping that love will finally knock on my door once I'm in the Queen City of the South. No matter how I deny it, and no matter how much I say that I love being single, there are times that I long for someone. Someone who would be willing to talk to me about senseless randomness. Have a coffee on a Sunday morning. Watch the sunset together while walking on the beach. Just the simple joy of having a companion.

Lastly, maybe my career will be better once I'm there. I dont know why I thought of that.

On careers

I am jobless at the moment. I quit my first job ever as a call center agent. I dont know why, I actually regret it. Anyway, its too late to go back now. 

I am trying to apply to other companies and other fields as I dont want to go back to BPO but damn! Its freaking hard! As of now, nobody has ever called me nor emailed me. Am I that incompetent? Sometimes I think that maybe I am. I should just start farming, maybe its what I was destined to do.

Before graduating, I always shrug off news about how hard it is to get a job. But now I feel the hardship, plus the pressure of being unemployed. Not to mention that financial dependence I so want to get out of.

Anyways,  I think that would be it for now. Have good night folks!