Did You Miss Me?

I don't know how to start this. I've been out for a long time, I'm almost convinced I can't do this anymore. 

How have you been? Did you miss me? Who am I talking to? Where am I?


Let me start by saying that I sincerely apologise to Ma'am Jhanis of The Missus V for my failing to pursue and finish my commitment. It was unprofessional, and there is not excuse for what I did (or didn't do). I hope you didn't get in trouble because of me. I hope you  can still forgive me.

I also want to apologise to the Cebu Blogging Community for again, failing to pursue and finish my commitment. I entered the challenge willingly thinking I was a legit blogger and it's just a walk in the park; I was very wrong. Please don't think ill of me. If you already, I don't blame you. I just hope that I can still prove that I am worthy to be part of your group. If not, I would understand. Know that I have nothing but utmost respect and admiration to the group and its members. Its been a pleasure to be part of the group. Thank you.

Lastly, I want to apologise to my readers (if I had any). I had high hopes for this blog, I did what I can to be consistent. I failed you; but more than that, I failed my self. I don't know what will happen after this. I don't want to promise anything as I have become allergic to that word.

What happened?

I honestly don't know. I was excited for 2017, thinking that it will be the year when my blog and blogging will take off. Aand one quarter after, me and my blog came falling down. I even joined a blogging challenge to make sure I have enough fuel and drive to keep blogging. I also had my first quasi-sponsored blogging assignment. Both of which I failed to finish. 

Maybe that is the reason why I'm single: I'm not good with commitment.

Partly I blame my mental health. I'm not insane, mind you. But I know I'm not fine up there. One minute I am full of energy and then I lose it all and sulk. I've been told to have myself checked but I refused. Not because I'm scared, or I'm ashamed to be diagnosed with anything. I don't want to be diagnosed because I don't want to hide behind a disease. I know myself enough to know that I can, and I might, use whatever I am diagnosed with to my advantage. I know that I can be a terrible person and use it as excuse expecting people to just forgive me and understand because I am sick. I'm not generalizing, I'm not claiming that people who are diagnosed are doing it. And I am, in no way, judging those who are suffering from any mental health issues. Its more of me as person, and the things that I can if I get diagnosed. 

Speaking of mental health, I am happy that the Mental Health Act is pushing progressively. Its about time that we talk about this issue and take it seriously.

Going back, I've been very unproductive mostly because I'm not sure what I want to do in life. I just turned 25 and I thought then, that by this time I should have figured things out. I had a clear path to take after I finished college and I am nowhere near that path. Ironic how I had a tattoo about not being lost when I am really, honestly lost. 

My supervisors called it out: Quarter Life Crisis.

I've only heard about it in movies and TV shows. I thought it was just a myth. I thought of so many things, but I may have missed thinking it might happen to me. I wasn't prepared and I honestly don't think you can be prepared for it. I just glad that I still have a job and my bosses are beyond understanding. I thought of resigning because I don't want to compromise the quality of my work. But then I realised that it's better to be confused about things with a job as my bills will not give a fuck if I don't feel fine. 

Like I said, I don't want to hide behind excuses. I own my mistakes up. I'm writing this down for those who might be feeling and going through the same thing. I'm not really the best person to tell you that it's okay, this too shall pass yada yada yada whatever. But know that you are not alone. I understand what you are going through. Do not pressure yourself to be fine. Allow yourself a little time to get itself back to together. Not necessarily for you to be okay, but enough to function and still take care of yourself.

What now?

I still don't know.

It took a lot of time for me to write this. It took a lot of time for me to gather my thoughts, admit I fucked up, and face it. I don't know what will happen honestly. I guess part of my anxiety is because I always think ahead and always thinking too much. I spend too much head that I failed to realise that my inner saboteur (#DragRace) is sabotaging my actual life. 

One thing I'm sure though, I'm hoping for the better. I will take it one step at a time. Enjoy each day and think about the future less. And yeah, I hope to blog more.

Thank you guys for reading. Have a good day.

2 comments:

  1. Hi, Gene! :)

    If there's one thing I love about writing, it is because I am doing it WITH LOVE. I am doing it as a means to express myself. Not because I am obliged to do it for some kind of program. Well, maybe for some people, it's their motivation to write more. But I guess this just doesn't work well for you and even for me. :)

    I am an avid reader of your blog and you may have gone hiatus for some time, but tadaaaan! I'm still here reading your new blog post, and I didn't think of you as a failure.

    About issues "up there" and for other stuffs, I don't have any advice but here's a few words from a blogger who would really understand what you're going through:

    "Do not pressure yourself to fine. Allow yourself a little time to get itself back to together. Not necessarily for you to be okay, but enough to function and still take care of yourself."

    Have a good day!! :)

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  2. Hi Eugene, I just read this today. I can totally understand. I stopped blogging for 4 months last year because of my depression. I had to go to this 'therapy sessions' and I simply stopped 'living'. Rest if you must. Do not force yourself to blog. :)

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