A Story About Something That Never Happened

Seconds of how my life would end came flashing like a movie reel, as I watch you take the steps away from me. I have never liked endings. I guess I never will.

It was one usual evening, and I was my usual self. Absorbed in thoughts, I observingly walked heading towards the seawall hoping to get some fresh air. Funny though, cause I was smoking along the way, and I was aiming to get some fresh air. I don’t really know why I decided to go there; maybe I’m just my usual self, which is sad. This perpetual feeling of emptiness and loneliness are my usual mood. Anyway, I was sitting there silently observing the crowd with smoke and a cup of coffee in hand.

And you were there...

I can’t remember why I looked at your direction; maybe it was fate or destiny, one of those romantic shit. But I did, and you were there, and in the silence of the crowd my heart was beating so loud. I thought you heard because you looked back and gave a little smile. I was too ashamed and stunned to respond so I looked away. Maroon 5 came singing “I really wanna love somebody…” and I managed myself half a smile. I was about to call you but you were walking away already. I lost the smile. And like a clichéd movie soundtrack, Ed Sheeran came in “I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet…”

I was about to finish my coffee, when you came back carrying your own cup. I was smiling again and I can feel the warmth of the coffee and my cigarette. You sat a little bit nearer, just enough for me to get a better glimpse of you. I occasionally steal a glimpse or two, and from my peripheral, I can see that you are too. As much as I wanted to initiate a talk, I’m scared. Maybe you’d ignore me; maybe you’d immediately go away. Then there’s a part of me that feels like I want to know you, maybe ask for your number. But I am scared, and like every battle I have faced in my life; I lost.

Then there was this painful silence. That silence that kills you a little bit, every second. A silence that you can really break but it’s the same silence that you just want to linger. I am overwhelmed with what ifs, but more with the thought that I feel lonely and I know you can help me. I have always believed that we always have to take the risk to be happy. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s me, but I just can’t. I didn't want to destroy the moment just because I like you. So I bear my thoughts and feelings in humble silence, hoping that somehow you will feel them, hear them.

Then you took the first step away, and then another and I feel my whole being trying to stop you from doing so. One step followed by another, until you vanished, eaten by the darkness of the night, swallowed by the crowd. I feel like a hawk eyeing its prey, trying to figure out where you would go. I failed, there goes my love story.

I realized that man causes his own loneliness, his own sorrows and regret as much as we are also responsible for our own happiness. You create what you feel. You weave your own story. And it is totally up to you how you would want to end it. I chose to end it the sad way.

I decided to come back again the next night, in the same spot, with my coffee, cigarette and a little bit of hope. It took me two cups and five sticks before giving up. I have never felt more stupid. It’s just that I thought you were as lonely as I am and you were there that night because you're feeling the same. I thought then, that we can help each other. I thought you were thinking the same, I thought you will be back. I thought of a lot of things, and sadly, they all remained as a lifeless thought. You never came back, not even two nights after, nor after a week.

I cried, because I thought I had the chance to finally talk to someone who feels the same way. I cried because I thought my own story would finally start. I cried because I thought you were feeling the same, but it turned out to be different. I cried because I’m sad, the kind of the sad the kills you slowly.

I cried because it’s the only thing I can do.