18.10.14

Current Status



I don't know whats been happening lately, it's been a roller coaster. I would like to believe that I am doing awesome in terms of career, my social life is doing okay and life at home is a nightmare. My love life is as stagnant as ever. I have few new crushes, which by definition are the people I can never be with. They don't even know I exist. But I never learn, do I? 


It's been bothering me though. Like I would have this crush but I know I could never be with them, but I would imagine my life with them either way and within two hours we would be married and after a day we are walking along the white sands of a beach somewhere romantic. And by the time I need to sleep I would be totally depressed that I can't sleep. The next day I will regret everything, but I will see my crush again, and I would go back to daydreaming but with a different plot with a different setting, and by the time the moon smiles at me, I would be more depressed that I was that I would curse at the moon and would try my best to punch it. 


The next day, I would be totally aloof and anti-social. I will hate everything and everyone the moment I step out of my room. I will hate the water for being too cold. I will hate my pants for reminding me that I am gaining weight. I will hate the jeepney driver for driving the way he is supposed to. I will hate the commuters for acting the way commuters act. I will hate my colleagues for asking too many questions like we are in a quiz bee. I will hate my crush for existing. I will hate myself for hating everyone. Then after my first cup of brewed and bitter coffee from McDo I am back to my usual funny self. I will be brutally sarcastic but funny. I will give that menacing look that means I am thinking of few hundred ways to kill you while smiling. I will blurt out puns which a quarter of the population would not understand. I will eat like a dinosaur and probably eat more that the dinosaur would fail in comparison. But before the day ends, I will sulk again that my face looks like I just lost a billion dollars in a non-existing bet. And by the time I hit the bed, I am thinking of killing myself. Ain't that grand!


But then I will think of my Mom, all the food that I still need to try, all the places I need to visit, all the people I need to kill and all my crushes that I need to be in bed with and Voila! I am fine. The effin cycle is so tiring, fun, but tiring. As of the moment I am ignoring crush but damn! It's fucking hard. Instead, I am devouring all the good brownies in my job's pantry. Hence my clothes are close to not fitting me anymore. I know I am rambling but ask me first if I care about your feelings. I am using pictures from The Fault in Our Stars, which probably means that I am in my worst state. Or I am over acting. 

Anyway, thank you for painfully reading. I know by now you might be a little elusive and will try to run and hide when I am within 100 meters of your personal space, but please ask me first if you're existence is essential to my happiness. I think I will be like this until....

7.9.14

Shaking Off Anacondas

Its Sunday and I am allowed to just laze around the floor and no one will bat an eye. 



Did You Know?

------ That in the old time, very old like Biblical old, during Sabbath, one is not allowed to do anything that is considered work. Their definition of work, as crazy as it sounds is lifting two pieces of dried leaves. And if I remembered it correctly the punishment was death. My professor in college (God bless his soul) shared this our Re-Ed class, so I am not making it up as an excuse of not wanting to move a muscle.

Whatever happened to music?

I have a varied taste in music, from Enya to Avenged Sevenfold. Then, there's Nicki Minaj and her Anaconda. For starters, I am not a fan of hers, I don't hate her either. Super Bass and Fly was good, and their videos was fun, then there's Nicki Minaj and her Anaconda. I hate it. I am somewhat disgusted by the amount of flesh shown in that video. 

Looks like a prologue of something..... 
Don't get me wrong I love butts, I appreciate a good hump, then there's Nicki Minaj and her Anaconda. It was just wrong in so many level, I mean, is it still allowed for butts to be that big? Yeah, I guess I could play with it for an hour maximum but ugh, it was just too much of everything. Sorry Nicki Minaj and her fans. I just can't...

On the other hand, there's Taylor Swift and Shake It Off. It's fun and funny without over exposing. I was just smiling and laughing through out the video watching Taylor try to dance and well shake it off. Seeing it after Nicki Minaj's butt fest was a breath of fresh air, it felt like Sunday morning again.

Taylor dancing. A for Effort. 
I am not sure if I am loving Maroon 5's new album. Overexposed was okay, but V, their newest album is far from the Maroon 5 I knew way back Sunday Morning.They used to be one of my Sunday afternoon band, but now I'm not so sure. What is happening?

I am jumping from one topic to another. I should really take our training more seriously, that clear and concise thing is quite useful now. Anyway yes, I am currently in training and so far it's been good. I am hoping that my career will finally get the start that it effin needs.

Anyway, have a good lazy Sunday folks. How will you be spending yours? Smile!


29.8.14

An Open Letter II

I'm letting you go, not because I don't love you, but because I love myself.

Ever since meeting you, I have never thought of my own happiness. All I wanted was yours, even at my own expense. I don't know if it counts as love, I really don't care. I have put you first in all of the things I do, because seeing you smile makes it all worth it.


Ever since meeting you, I have never been happy and sad at the same time. I have never been fine and in pain at the same. I have never been this selfless, I have never been this stupid. But I never regret all the things I have done for you, for I think it is you, who should be in regret for losing someone like me. I could love someone else and hopefully and finally, they will love me back but no one, nobody will ever love you the way I do. I am fine now, I will be okay. I will move on and get over you.

But who am I kidding?

There was never a night that I don't miss you. There was never a morning that I wish I will wake up with you beside me, just like before. There was never a boring day that I wish for nothing else but your presence.I keep on telling myself to move on, that you are not even thinking of me. My senses go wild whenever  my phone tells me I have a message, wishing for yours.

I miss so bad, there are days I don't even know what I am feeling. I literally feel nothing. I will just stare into nothingness wishing I feel something, even pain but I don't.

But I am putting it all behind me now, for I deserve peace, and I deserve more than you could ever give.

What did you do to me that I can't fool myself into thinking I don't want you and I don't love you anymore? I don't know when and how will I get over, or if its even possible but I am hoping for the best.

I am letting you go, for you already have made your choice. I am letting you go because you don't need me anymore. I am letting you go because you don't deserve someone like me and I don't deserve someone like you. I am letting you go because I see no point in fighting a war that was never mine to begin with, I am letting you go because it is time that I love myself.

I am not mad and anger is at the bottom of the list of how I feel for you. I genuinely want nothing for you but happiness. We were just two lost soul who found each other. I gave in and you didn't and that is okay.

Thank you for everything and let me tell this and shout it all in the universe for one last time;. I love you,

26.8.14

In The Lonely Hour

No, its not about me. The title refers to an album of my current obsession.

Ladies and gents, let us welcome another addition to my English addiction: Sam F. Smith. Okay, his middle name is not F, its just that he is fucking amazing, that it should be his middle name, at least for me.


In fact last night, after seeing his live performance in SNL, I just couldn't contain my excitement and amazement so I shared the video, but oh my mind works in a strange way and this happened.


Anyway, I first heard of Sam F. Smith from 'Latch' by Disclosure where he was featured. If you have't heard the said song yet you are missing a lot. It was followed by 'Money On My Mind' which was now taken from his debut album.After hearing MOMM, I thought that he was just another pop star wanna be, I didn't even know he was Brit, not that it would matter though (okay a little, maybe). Then I heard Stay With Me, not his version though but a cover by my dearest Ed Sheeran. It was a damn good song so I googled who sang it originally and now I'm obsessed. Lay Me Down, one of his song is actually playing as I write this, actually, for honesty's sake its been playing since yesterday. It has become my favorite track in the album, even more when I saw the live version via Saturday Night Love. Oh boy! Oh man! It was ugh!

(source)
Sam F. Smith is also gay and he said that his songs were about unrequited love, written for those guys who didn't love him back. He had me at unrequited love. You can really feel the longing in his songs especially with Stay With Me and Lay Me Down. So if you folks are looking for new songs to be your drunken night soundtrack go and check Sam Smith's In The Lonely Hour. If in case his songs didn't get you, call your cardiologist because your heart is probably made of stone.


16.8.14

What Happens When You Cross Seas

About three weeks ago, I decided to go back to Bantayan. I was feeling adventurous and I had always wanted to do something impulsive and somewhat stupid, so with barely enough money, I took the tiresome journey.

The weather however was against me, as I became stranded in the port of Hagnaya for 16 hours. My money was just enough to get me to my destination and my phone’s battery, my only source of enjoyment at that time was barely enough. When the coastguard finally allowed sea travel, I was more than happy. But lo and behold, the waves I have once feared greeted me good morning as it lulls the ferry into chaos. I prayed hard, asked for forgiveness and transferred seat, the one closest to the window and life jacket just in case. After more than an hour, I wasn’t able to count really as I was so focused in praying and finding 100 ways of escaping in case something happened, I was able to reach the island’s port safely and oh! I have never been happier stepping on solid ground. Seeing the faces of those who welcomed me took all the hardships away.

Adventure I want, adventure I had found.

After more or less three months of living in Cebu City, my home’s lush greens  and fresh air was a welcomed change. Once again I felt home. My relatives were more than happy to see me, and I am too, happy to see them.

I don’t think I should put in detail about my stay there as that that would require me to write a book. Suffice to say, I enjoyed. But more than the enjoyment, it’s the epiphany that struck me the most.

As I am typing this blog, I am back in the city, alone in my room with a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. As I look back in the three week vacation I realized that more than the superficial things, what I desire the most now is family and being around people who loves me.

During my teenage years, I would always envision myself travelling and experiencing all the good things life can offer. I had been a billionaire many times, owned houses and properties across Europe. I have swam the seas of Bahamas and played with the waves of Hawaii. I have dined in the most expensive French restaurant, drove over expensive cars around Dubai and drank coffee in New York. I had been many things in my mind and it made me want to leave more than ever.

But now, I am different.



I’m fine if I don’t get to eat more than three times a day. I was fine with 3-in-1 coffee and tasteless bread. I don’t mind if the menu is eat it or starve. I don’t mind not having money in my pocket. I don’t mind poverty as long as I am with family. I have never wanted to stay before, but now, I don’t want to leave. In fact, I am trying hard not to pack my bags again, and trying my hardest to no to remember the family I have there or I will cry my heart out. 
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