Forgiveness, Regrets, Peace: An Open Letter

Hi Pa,

It was last year when I received that call telling me you died. Time flies so fast, doesn't it? For one year, I tried ignoring the fact that you're gone. I suppressed any feelings and emotions that came with your passing. I didn't allow myself to mourn. Even after you died, my pride still persisted. I thought then that you do not deserve to be mourned, after all that happened to us, to our family. For the nth time, you managed to hurt me and I just can't accept that fact. Silly right? Looking back, I can't help but laugh at how childish I reacted towards your death. You can't blame me though; my childhood was taken early Pa, and you of all people should know that. Still, it wasn't right; I knew it wasn't right. Weeks before your anniversary, I knew that I wasn't doing well holding it all back. I knew that any moment, my emotions will explode and I will lose control. I was right.


I cried last Father's Day. I cried hard Pa. Because it just dawned on me how I played a part in all of this mess I still call a family. 

I finally understood why you gave up on me. You really cannot fight, much more win a battle without anyone but yourself. I gave up long before that it was useless for you to try anymore because I already made up my mind: I don't need you. I don't need a father. I realised that if I really wanted to, I could have gone out of my way and visited you given that, I have a stable job. But no, I was selfish, bratty, unreasonable. I'm still stuck to that angst-ridden teenager thinking when it comes to you. But all these epiphanies came a year too late.

I'm sorry Pa, I couldn't and I wouldn't see past my anger. Not once did I ever consider how hard this is for you too. Never did it cross my mind that I should also exert a little effort if I really wanted to fix us. I'm sorry Pa if I wasn't able to think things through. I should have been the son that you need but I was never there when you needed me the most. I'm sorry Pa.

I hope you're happy up there. I hope that you now have the peace that you rightfully deserve. I've forgiven you Pa, I hope you can do the same for me too. I know it's too late for these words but I hope my words can reach you. Please be in my dreams tonight Pa, so that I can tell you for the last time how much I love you. 

Rest in peace Pa. 
















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Did You Miss Me?

I don't know how to start this. I've been out for a long time, I'm almost convinced I can't do this anymore. 

How have you been? Did you miss me? Who am I talking to? Where am I?


Let me start by saying that I sincerely apologise to Ma'am Jhanis of The Missus V for my failing to pursue and finish my commitment. It was unprofessional, and there is not excuse for what I did (or didn't do). I hope you didn't get in trouble because of me. I hope you  can still forgive me.

I also want to apologise to the Cebu Blogging Community for again, failing to pursue and finish my commitment. I entered the challenge willingly thinking I was a legit blogger and it's just a walk in the park; I was very wrong. Please don't think ill of me. If you already, I don't blame you. I just hope that I can still prove that I am worthy to be part of your group. If not, I would understand. Know that I have nothing but utmost respect and admiration to the group and its members. Its been a pleasure to be part of the group. Thank you.

Lastly, I want to apologise to my readers (if I had any). I had high hopes for this blog, I did what I can to be consistent. I failed you; but more than that, I failed my self. I don't know what will happen after this. I don't want to promise anything as I have become allergic to that word.

What happened?

I honestly don't know. I was excited for 2017, thinking that it will be the year when my blog and blogging will take off. Aand one quarter after, me and my blog came falling down. I even joined a blogging challenge to make sure I have enough fuel and drive to keep blogging. I also had my first quasi-sponsored blogging assignment. Both of which I failed to finish. 

Maybe that is the reason why I'm single: I'm not good with commitment.

Partly I blame my mental health. I'm not insane, mind you. But I know I'm not fine up there. One minute I am full of energy and then I lose it all and sulk. I've been told to have myself checked but I refused. Not because I'm scared, or I'm ashamed to be diagnosed with anything. I don't want to be diagnosed because I don't want to hide behind a disease. I know myself enough to know that I can, and I might, use whatever I am diagnosed with to my advantage. I know that I can be a terrible person and use it as excuse expecting people to just forgive me and understand because I am sick. I'm not generalizing, I'm not claiming that people who are diagnosed are doing it. And I am, in no way, judging those who are suffering from any mental health issues. Its more of me as person, and the things that I can if I get diagnosed. 

Speaking of mental health, I am happy that the Mental Health Act is pushing progressively. Its about time that we talk about this issue and take it seriously.

Going back, I've been very unproductive mostly because I'm not sure what I want to do in life. I just turned 25 and I thought then, that by this time I should have figured things out. I had a clear path to take after I finished college and I am nowhere near that path. Ironic how I had a tattoo about not being lost when I am really, honestly lost. 

My supervisors called it out: Quarter Life Crisis.

I've only heard about it in movies and TV shows. I thought it was just a myth. I thought of so many things, but I may have missed thinking it might happen to me. I wasn't prepared and I honestly don't think you can be prepared for it. I just glad that I still have a job and my bosses are beyond understanding. I thought of resigning because I don't want to compromise the quality of my work. But then I realised that it's better to be confused about things with a job as my bills will not give a fuck if I don't feel fine. 

Like I said, I don't want to hide behind excuses. I own my mistakes up. I'm writing this down for those who might be feeling and going through the same thing. I'm not really the best person to tell you that it's okay, this too shall pass yada yada yada whatever. But know that you are not alone. I understand what you are going through. Do not pressure yourself to be fine. Allow yourself a little time to get itself back to together. Not necessarily for you to be okay, but enough to function and still take care of yourself.

What now?

I still don't know.

It took a lot of time for me to write this. It took a lot of time for me to gather my thoughts, admit I fucked up, and face it. I don't know what will happen honestly. I guess part of my anxiety is because I always think ahead and always thinking too much. I spend too much head that I failed to realise that my inner saboteur (#DragRace) is sabotaging my actual life. 

One thing I'm sure though, I'm hoping for the better. I will take it one step at a time. Enjoy each day and think about the future less. And yeah, I hope to blog more.

Thank you guys for reading. Have a good day.
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#CookMe: A Very Corny and Cheesy Maja

Well its good to be back! And because I know you missed me very much, I came back with a little offering for my beloved, non-existent readers. Like my previous recipe here, I partnered with Jolly and created a very corny and cheesy Maja Blanca,


Maja Blanca is a very understated Pinoy dessert. Due to western influences, our celebratory desserts will always be either cake, fruit salad, graham cake, or leche flan. Although always over shadowed by the aforementioned desserts, I have loved Maja Blance ever since, and I think it's time the we give this dessert some love.

I have made Maja Blanca in the past, thrice actually. The first time, I added too little cornstarch so the Maja didn't form properly. The second one, I added enough cornstarch and achieved a firm Maja. The third time, last New Year's Eve, I added too much cornstarch, it turned out to be almost Champorado like. So for this recipe, I decided to add the gelatin powder to make sure that my Maja Blanca will be as firm. Let's star!


Ingredients

1 can of Jolly Cream of Corn. Jolly Corn Kernel, Jolly Coconut Milk, Jolly Cow Condensed Milk
1 can of Evaporated Milk
1 box of Cheese
1 box of Unflavored Gelatin Powder
1 small box of Cornstarch
Sugar

Instructions

1, Clean the pot and other utensils you need. Clean you work space (kitchen).

2. Boil 1 can of Jolly Coconut Milk over low heat. Once its roll boiling, add the evaporated milk and the condensed milk. Make sure to stir occasionally to avoid burning.

3. Once the milk mixture in roll boiling, add 1 can of Jolly Cream of Corn and 1 can of Jolly Corn Kernel, Stir occasionally and allow to boil. Make sure to taste. Add sugar if needed (according to how sweet you want it)

4. Dissolve the cornstarch and gelation powder in a cup of water (or milk). Add the mixture to the pot stirring occasionally. Allow the mixture to boil for about 5 - 10 minutes.

5. Transfer the mixture to a tray or pyrex and grate the cheese over.

6. Allow to cool in the fridge for about an hour. Serve

I want to give a shoutout to Jolly for giving me awesome and quality ingredients. My Maja Blanca was a blockbuster! Also to Mommy Jhanis for the the invite. Here's to hoping for more collaborations with you guys!

PS.

Photo of the actual finished product is to follow. My Jolly Maja Blanca is still chilling in the fridge :)
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Chance and Equality: Please Reconsider 2 Cool 2 Be 4gotten

This is a plea. A call for chance. A beg for equal opportunity.

To the important people who made the decision to give 2 Cool 2 Be 4gotten an R-18 rating, please reconsider. In your efforts to preserve the nations morality (or whatever is left of it), you are disenfranchising a number of minorities.

I went to the MTRCB website to get a clear understanding and explanation as to why the rating was given. I found none. I went to various news websites and movie blogs for a possible article about the decision, but my search was in vain.

I was about to sleep but my mind is still wrapped around this movie, the rating it was given, and its impact to the movie. I just have to write this down because I feel that we are being put in a box. Which is technically the same as the closet where many of us used to hide. I refuse to be put in a box. And I know that countless people feel the same. It takes a great deal of courage to break free from the shackles created my society's idea of what is normal. By limiting the release of this important movie, we are depriving a lot of young and confused teenager the chance to feel that its okay to be different. A chance to understand that they are just as normal as everyone. A chance to feel represented. A chance to feel accepted.

I don't know how many times I have fallen in love with the numerous trailers I have watched. I regularly visit the movie's Facebook page hoping to see an update that a certain mall decided to show the movie. I have visited movie booking sites so I can get myself a ticket. I even messaged the page admins asking if it is even a possibility that the movie will reach Cebu. They said no. And all my search returned with the same result; No, I can't watch it.

In this day and age, I find it hard to accept the fact that our supposed conservativism hinders art.

How is it fair that  a government official is allowed to curse while nationally broadcasted, while a simple coming - out story is not? How in the world will be able to explain to my future children that a sexy star with a suspicious background and credentials, was suspiciously appointed to government position, but they cannot watch a movie about self realisation and acceptance because a certain group of people deemed that it is not, and should not be, for public consumption? Why is it that we allow TV shows and movies about adultery, violence, crime, and corruption to be shown nationwide, but limit the release of a movie about being gay? How is it possible that Star Cinema and OctoArts can reuse and abuse slapstick and cast the same people and still earn millions. While an independent film about something relevant is allowed to be buried under superhero movies and Disney remakes? 

Are we still in the 1800? Ice age perhaps? Why does it feel like our values and morality are still dated? 

Please prove me wrong.

Some may argue that I am just being a brat. That I am ranting because I didn't get what I want. Or that I am the being the exact personification of a millennial because of how privileged I feel and the entire world wide web should know about it. You can think what you want, I can only give you zero to no fucks. 

Good night.


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