Forgiveness, Regrets, Peace: An Open Letter

Hi Pa,

It was last year when I received that call telling me you died. Time flies so fast, doesn't it? For one year, I tried ignoring the fact that you're gone. I suppressed any feelings and emotions that came with your passing. I didn't allow myself to mourn. Even after you died, my pride still persisted. I thought then that you do not deserve to be mourned, after all that happened to us, to our family. For the nth time, you managed to hurt me and I just can't accept that fact. Silly right? Looking back, I can't help but laugh at how childish I reacted towards your death. You can't blame me though; my childhood was taken early Pa, and you of all people should know that. Still, it wasn't right; I knew it wasn't right. Weeks before your anniversary, I knew that I wasn't doing well holding it all back. I knew that any moment, my emotions will explode and I will lose control. I was right.

I cried last Father's Day. I cried hard Pa. Because it just dawned on me how I played a part in all of this mess I still call a family. 

I finally understood why you gave up on me. You really cannot fight, much more win a battle without anyone but yourself. I gave up long before that it was useless for you to try anymore because I already made up my mind: I don't need you. I don't need a father. I realised that if I really wanted to, I could have gone out of my way and visited you given that, I have a stable job. But no, I was selfish, bratty, unreasonable. I'm still stuck to that angst-ridden teenager thinking when it comes to you. But all these epiphanies came a year too late.

I'm sorry Pa, I couldn't and I wouldn't see past my anger. Not once did I ever consider how hard this is for you too. Never did it cross my mind that I should also exert a little effort if I really wanted to fix us. I'm sorry Pa if I wasn't able to think things through. I should have been the son that you need but I was never there when you needed me the most. I'm sorry Pa.

I hope you're happy up there. I hope that you now have the peace that you rightfully deserve. I've forgiven you Pa, I hope you can do the same for me too. I know it's too late for these words but I hope my words can reach you. Please be in my dreams tonight Pa, so that I can tell you for the last time how much I love you. 

Rest in peace Pa. 

Continue Reading

Did You Miss Me?

I don't know how to start this. I've been out for a long time, I'm almost convinced I can't do this anymore. 

How have you been? Did you miss me? Who am I talking to? Where am I?

Let me start by saying that I sincerely apologise to Ma'am Jhanis of The Missus V for my failing to pursue and finish my commitment. It was unprofessional, and there is not excuse for what I did (or didn't do). I hope you didn't get in trouble because of me. I hope you  can still forgive me.

I also want to apologise to the Cebu Blogging Community for again, failing to pursue and finish my commitment. I entered the challenge willingly thinking I was a legit blogger and it's just a walk in the park; I was very wrong. Please don't think ill of me. If you already, I don't blame you. I just hope that I can still prove that I am worthy to be part of your group. If not, I would understand. Know that I have nothing but utmost respect and admiration to the group and its members. Its been a pleasure to be part of the group. Thank you.

Lastly, I want to apologise to my readers (if I had any). I had high hopes for this blog, I did what I can to be consistent. I failed you; but more than that, I failed my self. I don't know what will happen after this. I don't want to promise anything as I have become allergic to that word.

What happened?

I honestly don't know. I was excited for 2017, thinking that it will be the year when my blog and blogging will take off. Aand one quarter after, me and my blog came falling down. I even joined a blogging challenge to make sure I have enough fuel and drive to keep blogging. I also had my first quasi-sponsored blogging assignment. Both of which I failed to finish. 

Maybe that is the reason why I'm single: I'm not good with commitment.

Partly I blame my mental health. I'm not insane, mind you. But I know I'm not fine up there. One minute I am full of energy and then I lose it all and sulk. I've been told to have myself checked but I refused. Not because I'm scared, or I'm ashamed to be diagnosed with anything. I don't want to be diagnosed because I don't want to hide behind a disease. I know myself enough to know that I can, and I might, use whatever I am diagnosed with to my advantage. I know that I can be a terrible person and use it as excuse expecting people to just forgive me and understand because I am sick. I'm not generalizing, I'm not claiming that people who are diagnosed are doing it. And I am, in no way, judging those who are suffering from any mental health issues. Its more of me as person, and the things that I can if I get diagnosed. 

Speaking of mental health, I am happy that the Mental Health Act is pushing progressively. Its about time that we talk about this issue and take it seriously.

Going back, I've been very unproductive mostly because I'm not sure what I want to do in life. I just turned 25 and I thought then, that by this time I should have figured things out. I had a clear path to take after I finished college and I am nowhere near that path. Ironic how I had a tattoo about not being lost when I am really, honestly lost. 

My supervisors called it out: Quarter Life Crisis.

I've only heard about it in movies and TV shows. I thought it was just a myth. I thought of so many things, but I may have missed thinking it might happen to me. I wasn't prepared and I honestly don't think you can be prepared for it. I just glad that I still have a job and my bosses are beyond understanding. I thought of resigning because I don't want to compromise the quality of my work. But then I realised that it's better to be confused about things with a job as my bills will not give a fuck if I don't feel fine. 

Like I said, I don't want to hide behind excuses. I own my mistakes up. I'm writing this down for those who might be feeling and going through the same thing. I'm not really the best person to tell you that it's okay, this too shall pass yada yada yada whatever. But know that you are not alone. I understand what you are going through. Do not pressure yourself to be fine. Allow yourself a little time to get itself back to together. Not necessarily for you to be okay, but enough to function and still take care of yourself.

What now?

I still don't know.

It took a lot of time for me to write this. It took a lot of time for me to gather my thoughts, admit I fucked up, and face it. I don't know what will happen honestly. I guess part of my anxiety is because I always think ahead and always thinking too much. I spend too much head that I failed to realise that my inner saboteur (#DragRace) is sabotaging my actual life. 

One thing I'm sure though, I'm hoping for the better. I will take it one step at a time. Enjoy each day and think about the future less. And yeah, I hope to blog more.

Thank you guys for reading. Have a good day.
Continue Reading

Chance and Equality: Please Reconsider 2 Cool 2 Be 4gotten

This is a plea. A call for chance. A beg for equal opportunity.

To the important people who made the decision to give 2 Cool 2 Be 4gotten an R-18 rating, please reconsider. In your efforts to preserve the nations morality (or whatever is left of it), you are disenfranchising a number of minorities.

I went to the MTRCB website to get a clear understanding and explanation as to why the rating was given. I found none. I went to various news websites and movie blogs for a possible article about the decision, but my search was in vain.

I was about to sleep but my mind is still wrapped around this movie, the rating it was given, and its impact to the movie. I just have to write this down because I feel that we are being put in a box. Which is technically the same as the closet where many of us used to hide. I refuse to be put in a box. And I know that countless people feel the same. It takes a great deal of courage to break free from the shackles created my society's idea of what is normal. By limiting the release of this important movie, we are depriving a lot of young and confused teenager the chance to feel that its okay to be different. A chance to understand that they are just as normal as everyone. A chance to feel represented. A chance to feel accepted.

I don't know how many times I have fallen in love with the numerous trailers I have watched. I regularly visit the movie's Facebook page hoping to see an update that a certain mall decided to show the movie. I have visited movie booking sites so I can get myself a ticket. I even messaged the page admins asking if it is even a possibility that the movie will reach Cebu. They said no. And all my search returned with the same result; No, I can't watch it.

In this day and age, I find it hard to accept the fact that our supposed conservativism hinders art.

How is it fair that  a government official is allowed to curse while nationally broadcasted, while a simple coming - out story is not? How in the world will be able to explain to my future children that a sexy star with a suspicious background and credentials, was suspiciously appointed to government position, but they cannot watch a movie about self realisation and acceptance because a certain group of people deemed that it is not, and should not be, for public consumption? Why is it that we allow TV shows and movies about adultery, violence, crime, and corruption to be shown nationwide, but limit the release of a movie about being gay? How is it possible that Star Cinema and OctoArts can reuse and abuse slapstick and cast the same people and still earn millions. While an independent film about something relevant is allowed to be buried under superhero movies and Disney remakes? 

Are we still in the 1800? Ice age perhaps? Why does it feel like our values and morality are still dated? 

Please prove me wrong.

Some may argue that I am just being a brat. That I am ranting because I didn't get what I want. Or that I am the being the exact personification of a millennial because of how privileged I feel and the entire world wide web should know about it. You can think what you want, I can only give you zero to no fucks. 

Good night.

Continue Reading

Sunday Reflections: The Bridge I Burned

I hate losing friends. I don't have that many, so I hold those I have as close as possible. I have a severe separation anxiety that I almost considered suicide out of fear that those I love the most will eventually leave me behind. It's something I cannot bear, so I thought I'd leave them first. Obviously, I didn't do it, judging from the fact that I still run this blog. I must admit though, that the idea is still sitting in the back of my mind having a smoke and a hot cup of coffee. And there were instances when the idea slowly walks in front of me and follows me around like my shadow. Like that time when I burned a bridge I took care of, for seven years.

It was rather petty how it happened. Looking back, we made it so easy to just throw away years of wonderful friendship. I don't want to bore you with details; it makes me cringe whenever I think about what happened to be honest. How ironic that a bunch of Communication graduates failed to communicate properly. Thereby ending what would have been a lasting friendship. All because of Facebook likes. Damn you Mark Zuckersomething. 

Is this price of growing old and growing up?

I know that losing people along the way is inevitable. It's a process that all of us will eventually face more than once. Scary right? Like how sure are you that the best friend you have now, will be the same best friend you have after, say, five years? Imagine the memories you are going to make with that person, only to wake up one day and realise that everything has changed. Is it a risk you are willing to take?

I remember a quote I saw on Facebook once about photographs. Something about how the picture doesn't change but the people in it do. It's a reality I still find hard to accept. Quiet frankly, I don't think I ever will.

Watching snippets of last night's MMK episode made me think about my friend. She went through the same thing, suffered the same consequences. But she made it. She made it with flying colours and glitters. I once told her that out of all my friends who finished college, I was most proud of her. I witnessed the hardships she went through just to be where she is now. I never doubted her and her ability to rise above any challenge. Even now that we're practically a stranger to each other, I still find ways just to check on her. And I always find myself smiling and celebrating with her at every triumph she accomplished. 

I wish words were never said. I wish some things didn't happen. I wish the bridge is still there just waiting for me to cross it whenever I want knowing that I will be welcomed with open arms. I wish I can still talk to her about the most random things during the most random time of the day. Yeah, I miss her. I miss her so much.  

Have you burned any bridges?
Continue Reading

OPPO F1s: Pinoy #Foodstagram

From Anthony Bourdain's 'the best pig ever' comment about our beloved lechon, to Andrew Zimmern's prediction that the Filipino Cuisine is 'the next big thing', Pinoy food is slowly getting the recognition it rightfully desserts deserves. Being an unofficial Knight of a Thousand Spoons, it is my sworn duty to make sure that my social media photos of Pinoy food gives justice to how delicious they are. As a food-loving, over-privileged, complain-a-lot-and-post-it-on-social-media millennial, I will serve as the bacon beacon and champion of all the lechons, adobos, and sinigang the world needs to hear about.

As a pure-blooded half Filipino half Filipina, Adobo is, and will always be, my favorite Pinoy dish. This quintessential dish is sometimes considered as our national dish, and its something I fully support. Adobo is versatile; its chameleon like ability to adapt and remain delicious despite of an ever changing plethora of ingredients, is the perfect metaphor for the Filipino's resilient spirit. Adobo is perfect with rice. Adobo will never leave your side. Adobo will always be there for you at your hungriest. Adobo will satisfy you (unlike your ex). Adobo is love.

My take on Adobo sa Gata
Then, there's Sinigang. I love Sinigang so much that I created my own version using another Pinoy favourite: Lechon. Sinigang is the culmination of all the good things in life. A tamarind based stew/soup, with vegetables and meat or fish, Sinigang is just as staple as Adobo in a typical Pinoy kitchen. It's the perfect partner to spend that six long months worth of rain in the country. If I'm ever to be asked to describe Sinigang in one word, I'd choose homey. Even just writing about it is enough to make me remember those afternoon lunches and family dinners I used to spend with my parents. Sinigang has that effect on you I guess. It makes you think about home.

Sinigang na Lechon.

I firmly believe that Adobo and Sinigang perfectly represents what the Filipino Cuisine is all about. That said, to really bring such creations to the world stage, we need the perfect partner. After all, #feedgoals and #foodporn is an art form that deserves the best equipment. How else can we make everyone drool with that salty and peppery Adobo? Or make them crave for that sour hearty soup courtesy of Sinignag? Enter OPPO F1s.

That 13 MP Rear Camera will give you the most vivid, and very detailed shots of your current #nom. Even if you happen to bump into a delicious dish at night where most camera phones fail, OPPO F1s is equipped with a 1/3.06-inch sensor. It maximizes light sensitivity, giving your nighttime shots more than enough detail. And to show the world that food is not the only delicious offering we have, OPPO F1s' 16 MP front camera captures the most perfect of selfies. making you more delicious than ever before. Partnered with a quad-core processor and 3 gig of RAM, OPPO F1s is the perfect partner in my pursuit of promoting the Filipino Cuisine. See more reason why you should love OPPO F1s here :)
Continue Reading