#5s: Favorite Shots

No, this has nothing to do with anything alcoholic.

Halfway through collage, I begged my mother for a professional camera. Partly, because I genuinely need it (buhay Mass Comm), and the other part is just me being a straight up brat; I want things, and I have to get it. It just so happened that during those hard times of barely passing a subject and barely meeting those damned deadlines, a camera is what I want.

My mother is not an easy person to convince. While I am armed with a powerpoint presentation and a 20 page dissertation on why I should have a DSLR, it was also my birth month. It was a long process, a battle, even.  Long story short, two weeks after my birthday, I got a Nikon D5100 fresh from the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

From then on, I was a photography god! People will approach me to have their photoshoots. My friends will borrow my camera to do their video thesis. I go to mall wearing my camera even though I'm not taking any photos. My memory card is full of either bokeh or macro shots. Everyday, I upload photos of either a flower or the sky. I felt like this is the field I am born to pursue. I even joined a Google photography contest because why not? I have a DLSR, I hold it appropriately (by the lens), and I am well versed with some techniques (bokeh, macro, silhouette). I am untouchable. I also failed to win.

Sadly, someone stole my beloved camera (who I fondly call 'Pepe') and my dream of being a photographer left with it. So to further hurt my feelings, I dig under (lain sad mu-dig above sa?) my hard drive and looked for some shots I did using my Pepe. Aside from being an amazing photographer, I also happen to be generous, so I am sharing with you today  five of my most favourite shots. Enjoy!

That classic sunset silhouette, taken at the back of my aunt's house. I happen to think that sunsets, along with flowers, are always the first subject of a person with a brand new camera. Its the millennial equivalent is a selfie. Even today, I am still fond of taking photographs of sunsets in various variety ( he he he).

I like silhouettes. To me, it's a reminder to not always focus on what's in front of you. The picture shows the outline of a branch, but the beauty of this picture lies on what's behind it. It may be blurred, nevertheless, beautiful. Same can be applied to our everyday lives; there's beauty in the the background.

Trees are also a common subject of a budding photographer. Who could resist the lush greens and that strong brown wood? It becomes even more breathtaking if the tree is flowering! Oh what a treat for a would-be-photographer.

This shot was taken in Bantayan a few summers before. It was a lone tree along the road which somehow made me feel sad. As much as I am accustomed to isolation and solitude, it's not a feeling I welcome warmly. But just like this tree here, we have to learn how to cope up with solitude and refuse to be burdened with it. Be like this tree: alone, but still standing strong.

This shot was taken in Tagaytay City, in one of their more famous parks. I remember this vividly as I was having a good time with my college friends. I remember planking was still a thing back then, and we did it in a field of grass surrounded by other visitors. Those we're good times. Good, happy times.

Don't you find kites ironic? They can fly high, but remain grounded. They can only fly as high as the strings attached to them. I think I relate to this shot and subject because of my love for permanence. These kites prove that you can still soar, fly high, see the beauty around you, even if you just do it from where you stand. 

I remember how I took this shot. I learned by back on this tree and looked up. I was mesmerized by how the its branch network (?) was able to create such obscure, albeit beautiful, pattern. It also reminded of how my thought process works. So I took this shot.

We were always taught that leaves are an essential part of a plant. Leaves are necessary for photosynthesis to produce energy from light. Leaves also absorb carbon dioxide and produces oxygen. So I was puzzled and amazed how this tree is still standing despite the lack of leaves. I think this further justifies the importance of perseverance.

There's not enough words to express how much I love this random shot. I was walking along a deserted road when I noticed this barbed wire fence with a plant sort of hugging it. I found it inspiring how something as imposing as a barbed wire is hugged by a fragile plant.

There moments when wee feel like we are the most unlovable person alive. So much so that we tend to keep everyone out to prevent ourselves from being too attached. Looking at this picture reminds me of how love is, and will always be unconditional. It doesn't really if you have built an imposing facade, or a strong personality. Love can, and will always find a way to hug you back.

Aaaand that's about it guys. I hope you enjoyed my favorite shots as much as I did. These are not the most amazing and breathtaking photos. I know; it's very basic even. But the stories behind them and the realizations I had will always make these the best photos of all time.


Continue Reading


It's Been A While

It's been a while since someone made sense
of what goes on inside my head
and understood
that I may be complicated
but never unlovable

It's been a while since someone exerted real effort
to tear down my walls
and understood 
that I built the walls high and firm
to keep me safe
and not to keep everyone out

It's been a while since someone told me
that the scars life gave me
never made me less of a person
and that I am beautiful on my own

It's been a while since someone reminded me
that the only standards I should meet
are those that I laid out myself
and not by someone else
That it's perfectly okay if I don't fit
a certain type, a certain size
a certain colour, a certain gender
because there is beauty in diversity

It's been a while since someone assured me
that it's perfectly fine to dwell on my sadness
That it's okay to be a beautiful mess
That my feelings are as valid as everyone else's

It's been a while since someone tried
It's been a while since someone
And quite frankly
I'm a bit tired waiting for one


Continue Reading


Something Random For the Fandom

Hi! Let us hope I can finish this blog and have it posted because I have more drafts than potential love life.

It's been a long time since I last posted here. Nothing new really, this blog is as consistent as my attendance way back in college: sometimes you see me, sometimes you don't. I still think I deserve a self-pat on the back (no one will do it for me so) for trying for weeks and months to come up with a content worthy of your time and internet speed.

Some of you might ask "What happened? Are you okay?". Yes fam, I am mighty fine. I'm hanging by a very thin line but that's nothing new. I have come to accept the fact that I may (or will) never be okay. Majority of you will not react because you don't read my blog and you couldn't care less about my well being because we are just strangers on the Internet. And that is also fine because I am used to people not caring. But let's not go there, and let's not address those people. This post is specifically written for my fandom!

I swear I didn't force this blogspot. I was so inspired to write.
Yes! My very loyal Eugenists (clever name, potterheads are shookt!), this is for you. Just a quick update about my life and what happened during my 2-month absence. I know how interested and eager you are to know what I was busy with. Even if I don't know all of you and even if we don't really talk much, I can feel how much you care about me. So thank you, guys! All 3 of you. A sincere and heartfelt thank you!

So to satiate my fans who love me and follow me with such ardour and fervour enthusiasm, here are some random updates about me. Please read and drown in my ethereal boredom.
It Was Lit

Pennywise doesn't know the word chill. Seriously. That fucking clown is hyperactive and creepy. 

I enjoyed the movie so much, I am seriously thinking of watching it again. I am yet to see the miniseries or read the novel, but what I have seen so far was enough to convince to do so. I enjoyed how Pennywise was portrayed, I can only imagine how scary it must be if Pennywise truly exists.  Even The Losers (the protagonists in the movie) were acted well. I especially liked Finn Wolfhard who portrayed Richie Tozier. Not because of his acting or character, but because he's cute (pedo alert).

If you haven't already, watch the movie and not Anabelle. That movie can't even scare my problems away.

The Space Between People's Taste

I don't know why, but I really like The Space Between Us. It's a sci-fi love story starring the ever adorable Asa Butterfield (I'd let him butter my field A.N.Y.T.I.M.E) and some actress. In fact, I like so much that I started recommending it only to be disheartened because they don't like. Which is kinda expected since the movie got bad reviews and bombed the box office. 

Please watch the movie and tell me you love it. If you don't (or if you really do but you easily give in to societal norms so you say you didn't), let's admit that the soundtrack is awesome. 

Gamer Girl

I purchased a Nintendo 3DS a few months back. I did so because of Pokemon Moon and Sun. If you don't know yet, I am a huge (literally and figuratively) fan of Pokemon. I've played all generations; from Red and just recently, Moon. I also finished Bravely Second which is the sequel to Bravely Default. I thoroughly enjoyed both games. Sometimes I get so inspired that I feel like I can also run a gaming blog. But after careful deliberation with my other personalities, we all agreed that it's a lost cause. I mean, I/we can't even run this blog properly.

I am now looking forward to Ultra Sun and Moon and scouring the internet for more games. If you have any  suggestions, just drop a comment or two (I sound like I have so much time for games, I don't)

Sam F. Smith is Back

It has been 3 years since Sam F. Smith (F is for fucking because why not) released his debut album. In The Lonely Hour became the album of my life as it came out during the most tumultuous moment of my life (yet). I mean,  Not In That Way, can sum up my love story and Leave Your Lover is the national anthem of the 'abangers' where I am a member of.

Just this month, Sam F. Smith released Too Good At Goodbyes. I must admit, I didn't care for it when I first heard the song; It didn't have the same impact as Stay With Me. But the song grows on you, among other things, and now I like it. I love it. I sing it. I fail but I try anyway. 

And that's it. I know you might be thinking 'That's it? That's what you did for two fucking months'. Calm down Beyonce. As much as I love you guys, I have to keep somethings private. I know I'm a very public figure (a very huge public figure that is) and my actions are supposed to be under public scrutiny, but I am also a rebel and non-conformist. So yeah. Bye Felicia!

Continue Reading


Forgiveness, Regrets, Peace: An Open Letter

Hi Pa,

It was last year when I received that call telling me you died. Time flies so fast, doesn't it? For one year, I tried ignoring the fact that you're gone. I suppressed any feelings and emotions that came with your passing. I didn't allow myself to mourn. Even after you died, my pride still persisted. I thought then that you do not deserve to be mourned, after all that happened to us, to our family. For the nth time, you managed to hurt me and I just can't accept that fact. Silly right? Looking back, I can't help but laugh at how childish I reacted towards your death. You can't blame me though; my childhood was taken early Pa, and you of all people should know that. Still, it wasn't right; I knew it wasn't right. Weeks before your anniversary, I knew that I wasn't doing well holding it all back. I knew that any moment, my emotions will explode and I will lose control. I was right.

I cried last Father's Day. I cried hard Pa. Because it just dawned on me how I played a part in all of this mess I still call a family. 

I finally understood why you gave up on me. You really cannot fight, much more win a battle without anyone but yourself. I gave up long before that it was useless for you to try anymore because I already made up my mind: I don't need you. I don't need a father. I realised that if I really wanted to, I could have gone out of my way and visited you given that, I have a stable job. But no, I was selfish, bratty, unreasonable. I'm still stuck to that angst-ridden teenager thinking when it comes to you. But all these epiphanies came a year too late.

I'm sorry Pa, I couldn't and I wouldn't see past my anger. Not once did I ever consider how hard this is for you too. Never did it cross my mind that I should also exert a little effort if I really wanted to fix us. I'm sorry Pa if I wasn't able to think things through. I should have been the son that you need but I was never there when you needed me the most. I'm sorry Pa.

I hope you're happy up there. I hope that you now have the peace that you rightfully deserve. I've forgiven you Pa, I hope you can do the same for me too. I know it's too late for these words but I hope my words can reach you. Please be in my dreams tonight Pa, so that I can tell you for the last time how much I love you. 

Rest in peace Pa. 

Continue Reading


Did You Miss Me?

I don't know how to start this. I've been out for a long time, I'm almost convinced I can't do this anymore. 

How have you been? Did you miss me? Who am I talking to? Where am I?

Let me start by saying that I sincerely apologise to Ma'am Jhanis of The Missus V for my failing to pursue and finish my commitment. It was unprofessional, and there is not excuse for what I did (or didn't do). I hope you didn't get in trouble because of me. I hope you  can still forgive me.

I also want to apologise to the Cebu Blogging Community for again, failing to pursue and finish my commitment. I entered the challenge willingly thinking I was a legit blogger and it's just a walk in the park; I was very wrong. Please don't think ill of me. If you already, I don't blame you. I just hope that I can still prove that I am worthy to be part of your group. If not, I would understand. Know that I have nothing but utmost respect and admiration to the group and its members. Its been a pleasure to be part of the group. Thank you.

Lastly, I want to apologise to my readers (if I had any). I had high hopes for this blog, I did what I can to be consistent. I failed you; but more than that, I failed my self. I don't know what will happen after this. I don't want to promise anything as I have become allergic to that word.

What happened?

I honestly don't know. I was excited for 2017, thinking that it will be the year when my blog and blogging will take off. Aand one quarter after, me and my blog came falling down. I even joined a blogging challenge to make sure I have enough fuel and drive to keep blogging. I also had my first quasi-sponsored blogging assignment. Both of which I failed to finish. 

Maybe that is the reason why I'm single: I'm not good with commitment.

Partly I blame my mental health. I'm not insane, mind you. But I know I'm not fine up there. One minute I am full of energy and then I lose it all and sulk. I've been told to have myself checked but I refused. Not because I'm scared, or I'm ashamed to be diagnosed with anything. I don't want to be diagnosed because I don't want to hide behind a disease. I know myself enough to know that I can, and I might, use whatever I am diagnosed with to my advantage. I know that I can be a terrible person and use it as excuse expecting people to just forgive me and understand because I am sick. I'm not generalizing, I'm not claiming that people who are diagnosed are doing it. And I am, in no way, judging those who are suffering from any mental health issues. Its more of me as person, and the things that I can if I get diagnosed. 

Speaking of mental health, I am happy that the Mental Health Act is pushing progressively. Its about time that we talk about this issue and take it seriously.

Going back, I've been very unproductive mostly because I'm not sure what I want to do in life. I just turned 25 and I thought then, that by this time I should have figured things out. I had a clear path to take after I finished college and I am nowhere near that path. Ironic how I had a tattoo about not being lost when I am really, honestly lost. 

My supervisors called it out: Quarter Life Crisis.

I've only heard about it in movies and TV shows. I thought it was just a myth. I thought of so many things, but I may have missed thinking it might happen to me. I wasn't prepared and I honestly don't think you can be prepared for it. I just glad that I still have a job and my bosses are beyond understanding. I thought of resigning because I don't want to compromise the quality of my work. But then I realised that it's better to be confused about things with a job as my bills will not give a fuck if I don't feel fine. 

Like I said, I don't want to hide behind excuses. I own my mistakes up. I'm writing this down for those who might be feeling and going through the same thing. I'm not really the best person to tell you that it's okay, this too shall pass yada yada yada whatever. But know that you are not alone. I understand what you are going through. Do not pressure yourself to be fine. Allow yourself a little time to get itself back to together. Not necessarily for you to be okay, but enough to function and still take care of yourself.

What now?

I still don't know.

It took a lot of time for me to write this. It took a lot of time for me to gather my thoughts, admit I fucked up, and face it. I don't know what will happen honestly. I guess part of my anxiety is because I always think ahead and always thinking too much. I spend too much head that I failed to realise that my inner saboteur (#DragRace) is sabotaging my actual life. 

One thing I'm sure though, I'm hoping for the better. I will take it one step at a time. Enjoy each day and think about the future less. And yeah, I hope to blog more.

Thank you guys for reading. Have a good day.
Continue Reading