Forgiveness, Regrets, Peace: An Open Letter

Hi Pa,

It was last year when I received that call telling me you died. Time flies so fast, doesn't it? For one year, I tried ignoring the fact that you're gone. I suppressed any feelings and emotions that came with your passing. I didn't allow myself to mourn. Even after you died, my pride still persisted. I thought then that you do not deserve to be mourned, after all that happened to us, to our family. For the nth time, you managed to hurt me and I just can't accept that fact. Silly right? Looking back, I can't help but laugh at how childish I reacted towards your death. You can't blame me though; my childhood was taken early Pa, and you of all people should know that. Still, it wasn't right; I knew it wasn't right. Weeks before your anniversary, I knew that I wasn't doing well holding it all back. I knew that any moment, my emotions will explode and I will lose control. I was right.

I cried last Father's Day. I cried hard Pa. Because it just dawned on me how I played a part in all of this mess I still call a family. 

I finally understood why you gave up on me. You really cannot fight, much more win a battle without anyone but yourself. I gave up long before that it was useless for you to try anymore because I already made up my mind: I don't need you. I don't need a father. I realised that if I really wanted to, I could have gone out of my way and visited you given that, I have a stable job. But no, I was selfish, bratty, unreasonable. I'm still stuck to that angst-ridden teenager thinking when it comes to you. But all these epiphanies came a year too late.

I'm sorry Pa, I couldn't and I wouldn't see past my anger. Not once did I ever consider how hard this is for you too. Never did it cross my mind that I should also exert a little effort if I really wanted to fix us. I'm sorry Pa if I wasn't able to think things through. I should have been the son that you need but I was never there when you needed me the most. I'm sorry Pa.

I hope you're happy up there. I hope that you now have the peace that you rightfully deserve. I've forgiven you Pa, I hope you can do the same for me too. I know it's too late for these words but I hope my words can reach you. Please be in my dreams tonight Pa, so that I can tell you for the last time how much I love you. 

Rest in peace Pa. 

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