I'm Feeling Some Type of Way

Have you ever felt like you're just average? You can do things, a lot of things; but you don't really excel at something. You can accomplish things but they are always average at best. You're not last, but you're never first either. While you are always part of things, you're never a priority. And sometimes, I feel like things will be just fine with or without me.

You're the jack of all trades, but a master of none. You're everyone's friend, but no one's favorite person. You exist, albeit insignificantly. 

If you're expecting this to be a pep talk and I will eventually say positive things, you're in the wrong blog honey. Things are about to get even darker, sadder. Let's get started.

What Started All This Dramarama

I was (still is, I guess) planning on creating Youtube channel/vlog. My friends and cousins have been egging me to do so. While I have been toying with the idea for a very long time, it never really came to fruition. But since Youtube and vlogging is becoming THE thing, I was finally convinced to go and try it. Not to mention it pays really, really well and God knows I need the extra money. I was also thinking that it will be good for my mental and emotional state. Considering all the things mentioned above, I was ready to take my brand of desolate, despondent, and capricious humor to the big screen.

The first thing I did was research. While I am familiar with how things on Youtube work, my knowledge is average (triggered) at best. So while watching videos on how to start a vlog, I came across a question THAT STARTED THISSSSssss1!!11!

What is your niche?

It's the same question I hated being asked when I started this blog and I started to network joined blogging communities (CBC WHERE YOU AT FAM!!!). Don'get met wrong, I understand the importance of finding your niche. I know how helpful it is to just really stick to something you know well. While I understand the benefits of it, I REFUSE TO BE PUT IN A BOX! I was in the middle of my coming out process and I was just really sensitive to things that restricts my freedom. Like, I just came out of the closet and now I have to be in a box, no wonder I am claustrophobic!

<heavy breathing>

Yeah, so I felt some type of way when I encountered that question in one the videos I watched. After feeling all the feelings, it got me thinking: what am I good at? And when I say I was triggered, bitch WAS REALLY TRIGGERED THE HOUSE DOWN BOOTS!

I started reflecting on the things I do best, my talents (if any), skills (if any), interesting hobbies (if any), or just anything that sets me apart from others (if any). And after a serious contemplation over bottles and bottles of Emperador Light, I realized, that I am an average person. And not the Marvel kind.

Which brings us to part two of this Pulitzer-worthy article on the absurdities of the human mind. This is chapter is called TRIGGERED.

I was at my 100% when I convinced myself that I should really start a Youtube vlog. But after being triggered I went down to about 60%. Still a sizable amount, I thought. So I created a new email specifically for my vlogging, filmed my first video, tried editing, gave up, got drunk, and went on a Youtube binge. Partially because I was drunk, partially because I am still thinking of what I should do in my vlog. 

After 40 or so videos, my 60% went down to 20%. 

Seriously though, its not a good feeling. I know I am not the most talented person in the world, nor the most interesting. I have always thought that my personality and humor is my strongest asset. It turns out, I am as ordinary and average as the next person. If anything, I'm glad I didn't join X Factor. Just looking at the mirror is enough for me to know and understand that I don't have it. And it makes me really, really sad.

What puts the icing in the cake is the feeling that I'm not anyone's favorite person. Like for once in my life, I want someone to be someone's priority. I know that I have found comfort in being alone, and I'm beginning to be okay with the idea that I really might be alone forevs. But yeah, I'd want to feel wanted once in a while. 

Which brings us to part three of this already-becoming-boring blog post. This chapter is called: WHAT NOW?

I don't know. Maybe i'll just cancel my plans of doing a vlog like every other plans I had to express my passion and art (did somebody mention aRt!?). Maybe i'll wake up tomorrow feeling a bit better and start filming. I really don't know.

What I know is that I'm average, I'm not special, I'm not interesting, and I'm not a priority. So I will just keep on capitalizing my I's so that somehow, I will feel good about myself. 

If anyone is feeling the same, tagay ta!?


I told you its not a pep talk. 


1 comment:

  1. I feel you foo. I feel that everyday. Nobody is really at their best in their own eyes. Tagay nya ta gene and let’s talk about this. I feel like we can commiserate on all these existential questions over heaps and heaps of bottles :))